I took my first trade in my live account.

So here’s what happened. I’d prepared and planned to trade AMZN, but AMZN had some interesting news that morning. It joined the DOW, replacing Walmart. When you’re going long on a stock, you want good news. I didn’t love this news because I wasn’t sure how the market would react. But I was ready to see what would unfold. When the stock market opened, AMZN didn’t really move.

As I waited for the stock to hit my entry point, I noticed TSLA doing something interesting. It’d been stagnant for a few days, and it decided to move. I was excited because I love TSLA. I’ve traded it a ton in my SIM account. It’s probably my favorite stock to trade. So, I combined a few trading methods to create my trading plan.

1. I decided on a number I’d be comfortable losing: $10.
2. I entered the number of shares I was comfortable buying: 2 shares.
3. I calculated how much I’d make versus lose.

When I was fully onboard with the plan, I clicked send and waited for my order to be filled. Below is a screenshot of TSLA’s chart that I took at some point in the trade to reflect on it afterward.

TSLA came down to the exact number I’d hoped for, and my order was picked up. I moved my stop loss up as the trade went in my favor. I tended my nervous system throughout the trade because the adrenaline was pumping, and my arms were shaking.

Within 30 minutes, I’d exited my trade, which was about as long as my nervous system could have handled staying in a trade. I closed my laptop and went to the gym, sauna, and cold shower. I needed to move the adrenaline out of my body and reset my nervous system.

I couldn’t have been prouder of the trade because I followed my trading plan. I trusted my conviction. I got in and out. It was clean and easy. Plus, I profited from the trade!!!

I had the goal of taking my first live trade by April 1st. For months, I’ve been taking trades in my SIM account. I took over thirty trades in the last thirty days, so I’d been putting in the reps and building the muscle of charting a stock, waiting for it to enter a zone, entering a trade, managing a trade, exiting a trade, and reflecting on a trade. I’ve been doing this to make trading fluid and automatic.

Because I have overcome this hurdle earlier than my April 1st deadline, I’ve set a small monetary trading goal I’d like to hit by the end of March. Of course, my main goal with trading is to make money. But, my current focus is to correctly read the charts, create trading plans, and listen to my convictions. I’ve already experienced the power of listening to my inner knowing, so I want to continue honing that muscle.

I’d almost entered another live trade but received a hard “no” from my inner knowing. I was so afraid to miss out on a trade. The fear of FOMO is legit. But I got a no. So, I sat in the discomfort of waiting until I got a yes to enter. To my surprise and relief, my inner knowing was correct. I’d have lost money if I’d entered the trade.

What’s been so fascinating about trading is that it’s really a practice of self-trust. Now that I’ve traded live, I can focus on building my confidence in trusting myself. In time, I’ll become more comfortable buying more shares, staying in trades longer, and feeling more at ease in a trade.

My initial response was nothing. I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything. However, after more reflection, I realized that was not true. Actually, a lot has happened in the past thirty days.

Because I tend to focus more on the negatives, the problems, and the things that need fixing, I’m rewiring my brain to focus on the positive things. Currently, it’s still a little bit clunky. My immediate reaction is to write a list of all things I coulda, woulda, and shoulda done. Then, I remind myself to write a list of the positive changes I’m noticing. Here’s the list of the big and small wins from the past month:

1. I organized, planned, and prepared for my sister’s bachelorette party in Lake Geneva. Woop woop!
2. I delved deeper into stock trading and learned how to trade options.
3. I created a new routine that’s been working really well for me, where I spend more time in my body and less time in my head.
4. I completed a developmental edit of the draft of my book. I’m now working on the next draft.
5. I went to the dentist. Oral hygiene is important!
6. We celebrated my sister’s Barbie-themed bridal shower. So much fun!

I must also remind myself that it’s not all about outward accomplishments. It’s about inner shifts as well. For example, I learned that there’s a thing called food trauma, which helped explain the way I eat. I never really considered that there might be a reason why I dissect my food. I just thought that was the way I was. This also helped me understand why I don’t like restaurants.

I’m also learning that stock trading forces me to face my relationship with money. So, I’ve been spending lots of time unpacking my money beliefs. It’s also teaching me patience. I’ve had to be very patient and allow myself to learn and feel comfortable trading at my own pace.

Similarly, my book’s been teaching me the same message. I’ve needed to shift my focus from getting caught up in where I want to be or should be to focusing on what I have control over in the here and now. I have control over showing up consistently daily and doing the necessary work to help me achieve my goals. This looks like writing and taking trades in my SIM account. It’s focusing more on falling in love with the process rather than getting caught up in the end result.

I still have two more months in my sabbatical before I completely cut the cord. This is what I’m hoping to accomplish in the next two months:

• I want to improve my confidence in stock trading and take my first live trade.
• I want to focus on base hits, which are solid stock trades that do not rile up my nervous system.
• I want to complete the next draft of my book.
• I want to celebrate my husband’s birthday and book launch.
• I’m going to write my MOH speech for my sister’s wedding.
• I plan to make doing taxes pleasurable with lots of warm drinks and chocolate.

I’m excited to see what comes to fruition and what additional items are added to the list!

The different layers of the window of tolerance represent different states of being that the nervous system fluctuates into and out of. The middle layer depicts being in the window of tolerance, which means that the nervous system is out of survival and into a state where it’s easier to thrive. This is beneficial because when I’m in a state of calm & connection, I can easily make decisions that are aligned rather than reactionary.

Having experienced some traumas, like having had cancer when I was young, my nervous system was programmed into survival mode. My default setting rested in the flight/fight layer. This showed up for me as anxiety, hypervigilance, fear, and/or worry. Occasionally, I’d get bumped into the freeze/collapse layer. This showed up for me as exhaustion, overwhelm, helplessness, and/or instant flooding of uncontrollable tears. My default setting got me pretty far in life, but after thirty years, it was time to update my nervous system programming.

💻Update the System Settings💻

It’s not like I didn’t have a window of tolerance. My window of tolerance was disproportionately small compared to the other states, so it was tough for me to remain in a peaceful, collected state. I could get there after doing various practices like energy clearing, meditation, or breathwork. However, I never understood how to stay there. I’d easily be triggered, and all the tools I’d learned to regulate my nervous system would be out the window. This put me in constant recovery mode.

Here’s the kicker. If things started to feel too good, I’d unintentionally create more chaos. Chaos felt normal and comfortable. It’s what I was used to. It’s how I thought I thrived. As I’m disentangling this pattern, I’ve noticed some areas where I would unconsciously create chaos. The areas I’m trying to be more conscious about how I incorporate them in my life include my schedule, travel, exercise, and money.

📋Schedule📋

When I revisited my calendar from two years ago and saw how jampacked my days were, I felt anxious looking at it. Last year, I experimented with taking things off of my plate. It was hard to say no to things. I had so much anxiety around FOMO. However, balancing so many things added an extra layer of stress.

Hence, this year, I deliberately chose empty space on my calendar. I also focused my energy on two main goals: stock trading and book writing. This has really helped me prioritize and say no to things.

✈️Travel✈️

Another place that I liked creating chaos was how I traveled. Two years ago, my husband and I would squeeze in long weekend trips so we didn’t have to use vacation days. It ended up being very stressful and not relaxing. Last year, we took three big trips back to back, which was amazing. We’d never taken that much time off. However, we condensed them too closely together.

Hence, this year, we’re focusing on ease. We’re waiting until later in the year before we plan any trips, and we’re spreading the vacations out so they’re not on top of each other.

🏋️‍♀️Exercise🏋️‍♀️

I love lifting weights. However, attending weightlifting classes several nights a week was stressful. First, I had to leave work on time to arrive on time for class. After class, I’d rush home to make dinner. I was constantly rushing everywhere.

This year, I stopped attending classes and started utilizing the weight room in my apartment building. I lift mid-morning, my preferred time. I lift weights at a much slower pace and for a maximum of thirty minutes. In between each set, I center. I check that my body is still in its window of tolerance. After I exercise, I sit in the sauna then take a cold shower.

💸Money💸

I realized that my relationship with money was like a rollercoaster. Because I lived paycheck to paycheck for a long time, every month was a rollercoaster of ups and downs. I’d always have just enough money. I felt a lot of shame for this chaos.

After healing the shame, I imagined what it’d feel like if I no longer related to money like a rollercoaster. Instead of riding in and out of flight/flight and freeze/collapse, what if money felt more like a walk on the beach at sunset in my window of tolerance? My mind was blown that money could feel good.

Breaking up with Chaos

Although I may have been used to living in chaos, it didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel good. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life feeling like shit or not feeling anything because I was numb and dissociated. Because being in the window of tolerance felt good, I wanted to feel like that more often. But it was tough to believe that I could spend most of my day in the mystical world of a regulated nervous system.

It took about three years of working with somatic trauma therapists, energetic NLP healers, and a Psych-K facilitator and quitting my job before I was able to regularly be in the window of tolerance. Once I’d started being in this state regularly, I didn’t believe this could be my life. I didn’t think I was worthy of feeling this good. But, I was even more terrified to return to how I felt before. So, I worked on changing my beliefs.

I now believe that investing in my well-being isn’t frivolous. Feeling good in my body matters. I’m worthy, and I matter.

Key Takeaway

There’s hope. If someone like me, whose nervous system functioned in survival mode for most of my life, can regulate her nervous system and change her default setting to the window of tolerance, you can do it, too.

Being in a state of calm & connection regularly rather than chaos makes me incredibly hopeful. I never thought that I could feel this good in my body. I never even knew that this option existed. I’ve just scratched the surface of how good it can get. I can’t wait to see what happens.

1. Figure out insurance
2. Figure out how much money to save

After our interaction, I continued reflecting on my career changes and realized that my response was only part of the story. So, I broke my career changes into two phases. I’m lovingly calling the first phase Acceptance and the second phase Action.

Congrats! You’ve Arrived at Phase 1: Acceptance

For my first career change from English teacher to software developer, my wake-up call was a blood clot. My wake-up call for my second career change from software developer to stock trader was the feeling of incapacitating overwhelm. Both wake-up calls indicated that things were not working. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t enjoying my work. Most importantly, I didn’t want my boss’s job.

Step 1: Exploration

This ignited the first step to see what other options were out there. For my first career change, I researched various paths, like becoming a therapist or a life coach. I chatted with people in those jobs, determining if they had a life that I wanted. For my second career change, I took courses that interested me, like writing and trading.

Step 2: Tipping Point

Eventually, things came to a tipping point. For my first career change, my boss asked me to become a property manager in addition to the career advisor/assortment of other roles I was playing to keep the company afloat during COVID-19. I told her I’d been considering a career change to become a coder, but I needed to see if I could get into a coding boot camp.

For my second career change, it was a lot harder for me to admit. I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. If I did enough inner work, I could fix it to make this job work. After two years of working with various coaches to address these issues, I finally understood that the problem wasn’t me, and I accepted that this job just wasn’t a good fit.

Step 3: Decision

For my first career change, I was accepted into a coding boot camp. Once things clicked in place, like figuring out insurance and how much money I needed to save for 9 months of no income, I set my end date.

For my second career change, I wanted to create my own job. I knew that trading would be a key player in it. I’d already been learning the skill, so I decided to fully commit. After I figured out insurance, paid off my coding school debt, and calculated how much money I’d need for 1-year of no income, I set my end date.

Step 4: Waiting

I sat in the discomfort of my decision. I waited about four months for both career changes before officially leaving. Of course, I did not have to wait. I could have just quit. But it took me some time to get things in order.

Welcome to Phase 2: Action

After reaching the final day, it was time to step over the threshold. For my first career change, I naively thought that the most challenging part would be quitting my job and jumping into the unknown. Instead, I discovered that doing the thing (coding) that I said I wanted to do was actually super activating. I struggled with debilitating anxiety. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Luckily, I quickly realized that I needed to learn more than just a new skill set to successfully change careers. This began my healing journey that I’m still on today.

Step 1: Getting Unstuck

I’ve learned a lot since my first career change, so I’m not starting at square one for my second career change. Some of these acquired learnings include:

• I’m responsible for my actions.
• I’m not a victim. Things aren’t happening to me. I’m in control.
• No one is going to save me. I can save myself.
• I don’t need to look outside of myself for answers. I know the answer. I need to look inside of myself.
• There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to be fixed.

And so on and so forth. Although these may seem like obvious truths, I didn’t recognize how these patterns played out in my life and kept me stuck.

Step 2: Commitment

After clearing unresolved trauma and changing my limiting and subconscious beliefs, my second career change has felt smoother. The new path is much more aligned, and I see where this path could lead me. So, I’m 100% in. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.

This looks like committing to a morning ritual, where I tune my frequency and set my intentions for the day. This looks like creating a schedule that reflects what is important to me. This looks like regulating my nervous system by centering regularly. This looks like holding myself accountable for the goals that I’ve set for myself.

These are things that I’ve always wanted to be able to do consistently. Things that I knew would be good for me if I did them. I observed these fancy people on Instagram or podcasts sharing their tips and tricks for success, like having a morning routine, regulating their nervous system, not checking their phone first thing in the morning, etc. These were aspirational things that I didn’t think someone like me would ever be able to do.

However, having changed careers to a stock trader, my schedule is much more flexible, and I have much more time freedom. This has allowed me to honor my body’s needs throughout the day. I never thought I’d get to this point, so I’m so thankful for the investments that I have made in myself.

Key Takeaway:

Changing careers is totally possible. However, it may take longer than you think. My first career change took 15 months in total. Hence, I saved money to support myself for 1-year this go-round.

Additional assistance might be needed along the way. So, I budgeted extra for that as well!

2023 started out very rocky.

I was on a dev team as an Automation Engineer, which is a fancy name for a tester. For various reasons, coding triggered significant overwhelm in my nervous system, putting me in a severe state of freeze.

Obviously, I knew my reaction to coding was not normal. I observed my colleagues not responding in the same way that I did, which signaled to me that I needed to make some serious changes on my end. In order to figure out what was going on, I sought out help. Lots of help. I couldn’t have done it without the support of many brilliantly talented people.

I learned that the coding environment activated a childhood memory of me as a little girl with cancer. Understanding what was being triggered day in and day out allowed me to give myself some compassion and forced me to work through some big T traumas.

While I’ll always be grateful to coding for forcing me to heal traumas, I also recognized that this working environment made it particularly challenging for me to show up as the best version of myself. The amount of effort required to tend my nervous system was not sustainable. So, I did whatever I could to get off of the project.

In April, I found another project that played more to my natural skillset. The only drawback to the new role was traveling. As I sat in a windowless room in a meeting at a client site, I had this sense that the work I was doing really wasn’t aligned. That this wasn’t my thing. I wasn’t exactly sure what my thing was, and I still don’t, but I knew that there’s something else.

This was a bittersweet moment. I’d given this job my all, and it still wasn’t working. I invested in a lot of inner work to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix it, so I could make this job work. Eventually, I accepted that it’s not me. There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing actually wrong with this job. It’s just that the job isn’t a good fit. It doesn’t work well with my nervous system.

It’s one thing to know that this wasn’t working. It’s another thing to know what’s next.

Finally after many years of searching, I had an inner knowing that the ultimate gift to give myself would be to create my own job.

Turning Point

When August arrived, things shifted into alignment. Alignment had always been a weird concept that I never really understood what people meant. However, I felt as if my orientation had changed. My body’s axis had rotated in a new direction. I saw where the arrow pointed and knew exactly where I was going. Stock trading and my book.

Luckily, these things weren’t something I’d completely pulled out of thin air. I’ve been working on my book for over two years, and I’ve been learning how to trade for a year.

It’s one thing to see the path forward. It’s another thing to take action on it.

So, I did the math. I calculated how much money I’d need to support myself financially for a year. I also calculated how many student loan payments remained from my coding bootcamp.

Then, I felt what it felt like in my body to quit right then and there and what it felt like in my body to wait. While I could have figured it out if I just walked away, I wanted to complete my student loan repayments and collect my bonus. So, I made a plan.

I’d been saving my PTO like crazy. I saved enough for three weeks in Japan, which turned into 4 weeks because we decided to get married when we went to Vegas to see U2 at the Sphere. With one month off in November, I also decided to take advantage of my work’s sabbatical and requested four months of leave.

With the plan in place, I had nothing else to do but wait. So, I waited.

It’s one thing to make a plan. It’s another thing to see it through.

It was excruciating. I did one mini project. Otherwise, I said no to everything else they threw at me because I wasn’t even remotely interested in any of the opportunities.

I sat in the discomfort of being on the bench in limbo. I paid off my coding school debt. I became more and more comfortable with my decision.

Made It!

Fast forward to mid December. I made it. I made it to my sabbatical. I’m not sure I’d recommend my strategy, but it’s just kinda how things worked out.

So Where’s Here?

The words juncture, precipice, or trial period come to my mind. During the next four months, I plan to trade and immerse myself in the stock market. I plan to work on my book and really take it to the next level to get it published. I plan to see what else unfolds.

I’m being called to something bigger. Something where I’m no longer hiding. What’s super exciting is I don’t really know. I’ve inklings. I’ve had dreams that told me to just follow the pings. Whatever pings are.

Maybe I’ll write another book. Maybe I’ll start a business. Maybe we’ll finally buy a house. Maybe we’ll start a family. Maybe all of these things will come to fruition. Maybe none of these things will happen next year.

The one thing I’m hoping and praying for is to turn the trial period into something permanent.

Again?

Haha. Yes. I’m here again. I’m hoping to change careers again. However, this time feels different. I’m not starting from scratch. I’ve come a long way since the last time I changed careers over 2.5 years ago. I’m much more confident in my ability to try something new and figure it out. I know when to seek support and how to take better care of myself.

While 2023 started out rocky, it turned into a year of deep excavation. I spent a lot of time getting quiet, listening, and going inward. It ended in a place where I’ve found solid footing, and I’m laser focused on the direction I’m headed. I’ve built a really strong foundation this past year that I’m ready to start building on.

There’s some things you need to know. You’re always going to be trying something new. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but you’re a Scorpio, who’s the queen of transformation. Although this process isn’t always easy, you need to remember that after death comes rebirth like a phoenix rising from the ashes. So, if things are currently shitty, eventually they won’t be.

One of the benefits of trying new things is you’ve become a very calculated risk taker. It’s one of the beautiful things about you. However, not all risks are going to make strategic, logical sense. I’m not saying to jump blindly into the fire, although you can. You’ll survive, but it won’t be pretty. I’m saying that there’s more than one type of risk. And you’re more comfortable taking certain types of risks than others like:

Career Risk: One that you’re comfortable investing in. You’ll go to school a million times. You’ll get a million degrees, certifications, licences, all the things. You’ve got many interests, and they’ll change. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re just different. That’s a good thing. Just remember that it’s going to be okay.

The next type of risk isn’t so much about your discomfort with. It has more to do with changing your relationship to:

Financial Risk: You’re good with money. You’re a manifesting generator, so you can work your ass off if need be. But, your goal is to develop a healthy, co-creative relationship with money. Why? Because money is a good thing. It doesn’t make you bad. Money gives you options. Options give you freedom. You like freedom. So become best friends with money.

Taking the next type of risk teaches you a difficult lesson that you’ve probably learned a few times. In case you need reminding, this one isn’t worth messing with:

Health Risk: Your body is your friend. The two of you are on the same team. Listen to your body. It’s trying to communicate with you, so pay attention. Your body will win, meaning it will literally force you to stop in your tracks. Don’t let it get to that point. Listen.

Finally, this risk is the hardest for you to take because the return on investment isn’t as tangible as a successful career or financial risk. However, it’ll enhance the quality of your life, and eventually it’ll trickle into other aspects of your life like your career, finances, health, relationships, etc. That’s:

Personal Development Risk: Invest in yourself. Invest in your future self. I’m talking about learning how to get in touch with your gut, authentic wisdom, power, whatever you want to call it because it’s the most valuable tool to have in your tool kit. However, that’s easier said than done. You won’t be able to just listen to your gut unless you’ve done some inner work to actually be able to hear it and trust it. That’s where taking a risk that’s not necessarily strategic or logical comes in. If you have the courage to take this type of risk, you’ll learn that your power is magical, and it’s needed in the world.

There are so many more types of risks. There are so many more lessons for you to learn about taking risks. But, don’t forget that it’s not all about taking the risk.

There are equally as many lessons to learn in stagnation. Slowing down and being stuck is hard AF for you. Why? It’s probably because you’ve been culturally conditioned to feel the need to always be productive and doing something. And that something is everything and anything besides what you really need to do, which is feel your feelings. You’ll resist feeling them by trying to numb out, which is a perfectly okay way to deal with things sometimes. But, you can’t avoid them forever.

Once you’ve got the space and capacity to dig into the resistance, you might encounter fear. Fear isn’t the funnest emotion to deal with, but facing it is what actually prepares you to take any risk. Why? Because in facing your fear, you’re forced to walk through the fire. What you’ll discover is that you won’t die, and it’s not as scary as you thought it’d be. So when the next time comes to take a risk, you won’t be running blindly through the fire. Instead, you’ll be equipped to handle whatever comes at you because you’ll already know that you’re a phoenix, who can rise from the ashes.

Besos,

Older Self

This was an assignment I did for Northwestern Mutual’s Women in Tech program. It was fun thinking about advice I’d give to my younger self as well as hear the advice that the other women in the group would give to their younger selves. If you have any advice you’d give to your younger self and want to share it, I’d love to hear it!

Doesn’t working on a month-long, group project building an app with a bunch of people you’ve never met before sound super fun? Mmmm… Debatable. But, that’s how Labs, the last course at Lambda School, is structured.

Luckily, I had an awesome team. We worked on the Human Rights First app. The purpose of the app is to provide intel on judges to help Refugee Representatives prepare for their asylum cases.

The project seemed awesome. Given that the stakeholders were lawyers and I have a bunch of lawyers in my family, I was feeling pretty confident going into Labs.

Then, we were given access to the code, and my confidence started to deflate as my fears and insecurities started to settle in. Things were no longer awesome. The code seemed insurmountable. I was beyond overwhelmed, not sure where to begin.

Boom.

A teammate submitted a pull request the second day of Labs, which meant that he had already figured things out, while I was nowhere near that point. Any remaining confidence that I had was fully deflated.

A mixture of panic, worry, and adrenaline started coursing through my system, resulting in my hands physically shaking.

I asked myself: What’s wrong with me?

Hunger?

I had totally forgotten to eat. Maybe, food will fix it.

Nope.

Movement?

I’ve been coding, zooming, and doing homework on my computer for hours. Maybe, walking will fix it.

Nope.

Later as I laid in bed, my mind wouldn’t stop racing, just looping through the day. The force quit button wasn’t working, and I couldn’t shut my system down.

Again, I asked myself: What’s wrong with me?

Anxiety. Anxiety’s been a new concept for me. It’s possible I’ve always had it, but software development has really brought it to the forefront. Throughout Lambda School, I’d more or less been able to manage it. However, Labs was a totally different story. My anxiety took center stage, and she’s not fun.

In fact, she’s so unfun that I’ve started taking some courses by Dr. Valerie Rein to help calm my nervous system. These are some of the tips and tricks that I’ve learned from Dr. Valerie’s work that have helped me:

1. Repowering
   How this works is:
   • You start by taking some deep breaths
   • Looking at your surroundings
   • Listening to the sounds or lack of sounds
   • Smelling and tasting
   • Touching like touching your skin because that releases oxytocin, which will make you happy

2. Shaking
   How this works is:
   • You start with taking a deep breath in and holding it
   • Squeeze everything: face, arms, stomach, feet, all your body parts
   • Hold it for a few seconds
   • You exhale and release
   • Shaking everything out
   • Repeat until you feel calm

Finally, the biggest lesson I learned was that the stories I tell myself are NOT TRUE. For example, I repeatedly told myself that “I’m totally failing Labs. I’m falling so far behind. Maybe I should flex. I’m not ready to graduate. And on and on and on.”

By allowing self-doubt, insecurity, and imposter syndrome to take control, I started self-sabotaging myself because these untrue stories actually started becoming true. It wasn’t until I sat down with my anxiety and felt all the feelings, which is a super unfun process, that I could take back control of the narrative.

Although I have not overcome my anxiety during Labs, I have learned to not fight it. Instead, I am going to acknowledge my shaking hands, squirming stomach, and racing heart and give my feelings as much space as they need. Then, I’m going to repower and shake.

While dealing with anxiety is less awesome, knowing how to manage it is awesome because developing software is hard, and we’re going to be asked to solve problems that initially may seem insurmountable. So, it’s important to have some tools in our toolbox that help us regain our confidence and step up to the challenge.

Tarot Cards by Matt Hughes

As the snakes squirm in my gut, I know I have something important to say. My truth. As the shiver prickles down my spine, I know I’m in alignment. My creativity. That’s my intuition. My voice. My gut feeling. My power.

She’s like a river that I’d blocked from flowing by constantly bombarding my system with noise from Zoom to social media to Netflix to podcasts. I never left space for quiet. I silenced my inner voice by searching outside of myself for answers instead of going in and listening. Once I started listening, it was like lifting a large, wooden gate that was blocking the flow. Now, creativity and ideas could flow in.

Does my very practical, logical, strategic brain have a hard time with this process and intentionally close the gate? ALL OF THE TIME. It’s the ultimate game of trust. Trusting myself. Trusting I know what’s best for me over what everyone else thinks.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Who cares? How does intuition pertain to tech?

Excellent question.

That brings me to now. There are some cool things happening astrologically and historically that could revolutionize society.

Astrologically, there’s a shift happening from the Piscean era to the Aquarian era. That’s a big deal because the world’s been in the Piscean era for 2000 years.

(FYI I am not an astrologer. Leslie Tagorda and Jennifer Racioppi are astrologers, who are excellent resources.)

Piscean Era = wealth, status, individualism, keeping up with the Joneses

Aquarian Era = collaboration, creativity, reimagining, community

Totally different vibes.

It’s a change in mentality from there isn’t enough pie for everyone who’s got a seat at the table to let’s share the pie and invite others to join the party.

Historically in the US, allowing everyone a seat at the table has never been the case. Only certain people of specific ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, social status, monetary status, etc. are allowed at the table. Once someone finally gets a seat, it’s war to get a slice of the pie, stabbing each other in the back to get their hands on a sliver of it. Once someone’s secured a piece, sharing’s minimal. Crumbs at best.

But one day, someone started sharing more than just crumbs. A bite here and there. And she noticed her piece didn’t disappear. It was still there. Different from what she imagined, learned, inherited. Eyes opened. Realizing the brainwashing. The perpetuation of a system. Leading to unlearning. Undoing. Listening. Forgiving. Recalibrating. Changing. Doing better.

Putting down the knife. Picking up the fork. Testing the waters. Sharing two bites. Slice of apple pie still there. Sharing even more. Piece of apple pie is still there AND a piece of pecan pie. Two pieces of pie. Magic.

Sending out invitations. Inviting others to the table. Uplifting. Joining. Collaborating. Revolutionizing. You get it. Totally different vibes. Endless possibilities. Endless seats at the table. Endless amounts of pie in new flavor combos we’ve yet to imagine.

Ok. Great. Again, how does this relate to tech? Get to the point.

Tech is innovation. Tech is constantly changing. Looking forward. Birthing new ideas into the world. Tech has the money, the resources, the connections, the time, the potential to do things differently. Be on the right side of history.

Imagine what the world could be like if we designed, created, coded, and developed from our hearts. It’d be revolutionary to put long term societal impacts at the forefront of innovation instead of short term gains for investors. When motivations, priorities, ideas are aligned with the heart, there’s a merging of the head and gut into an explosion of creative brilliance. A heart a-tech. Rupture. Death. Rebirth.

As Daje James explores the integration of entrepreneurship and intuition as an Intuitive Strategist, I applied her idea to exploring the integration of intuition and tech. Intutech. The Great Merger of Tech + Intuition. For example when I code, I often get caught up in my head. I get caught up thinking, reworking, problem-solving until I’m frustrated out of my mind. Instead, I could have checked in with my gut, taken a break, breathed, listened, opened the large, wooden gate, and let the ideas flow in. Magic.

The next time you get stuck designing, creating, coding, developing take a second to breathe and align your head, heart, and gut. Have them work together rather than be silenced. If we took more time to listen to our inner voice and trusted it, there’d be bountiful amounts of fresh, delicious pie for everyone.

Maybe I’m just as naive as when I entered education. But, this time I’ve got more tools in my toolbox. This time I got astrology and history on my side. This time I’ve got my intuition to lead the way and my head to make it happen. They’re a team. One can’t work without the other. Just like we’re a team. We can’t dream, reimagine, create change without the support of each other.

So, let’s begin to play with inviting others to the table, sharing the pie, and integrating tech and intuition. Let’s begin The Great Merger of Tech + Intuition.

What are your dreams for tech? I’d love to know.

As the classic love story goes, we fell madly in love on our first Tinder date. Not quite. It went something like this. In a time long, long ago, we sipped beers by the lake, getting to know each other. I asked him about his work, which was a fatal mistake because my curiosity unknowingly opened Pandora’s Box. About what you might ask?

Machine Learning.

I, of course, had no idea what Machine Learning was. I barely knew what AI was besides what I’d learned in Science Fiction novels — that robots or zombies will eventually take over. Over a year later, Pandora’s Box is still wide open. Little did I know that I was inducting myself into a whole new culture. What culture you might ask?

Tech.

It’s definitely one of the strangests cultures I’ve experienced. I’ve lived abroad for over four years, traveling to over 30 countries, so I’ve been around. But, tech has been one of the hardest cultures for me to accept and embrace with open arms.

What would have helped me overcome this resistance faster was a user guide on what to expect when dating someone in tech. I’m breaking down my experience to lessen the barrier to entry because when you choose to date a Data Scientist you’re also choosing to date tech. They’re a married couple, and you’re the third wheel, joining the party.

Let’s begin with the benefits of dating someone in tech:

1. Obviously, the elephant in the room is pay. As a struggling teacher, juggling two jobs, it was refreshing to date a financially stable human. It’s hot to know someone can afford to pay for dinner and drinks. But, what’s even hotter is that he doesn’t do it for the money. It’s about his:
2. Passion for his work. I’ve accepted that the love of his life is Machine Learning. Luckily, at the moment, computers can’t have sex with humans, so I’ll always come first.
3. Job opportunities. I’ve never heard of potential employers trying to lure someone away from their current job to work for them because of:
4. His big brain. Well, at least I think he’s smart. He did get a PhD, so he’s a doctor. But, he usually speaks some tech language that I don’t understand, so it’s hard to tell.
5. Tech nerds are super sweet. When they’re not arguing about their favorite programming languages and tools with each other on Twitter, they’re just uber nerds who need someone to listen to their latest discoveries.

Source: https://xkcd.com/386/

Wealthy, passionate, smart, and sweet. What more can you ask for? Now that you’ve swiped right and determined you like the Data Scientist, this is when things get interesting. The flirtation phase with tech begins. Here are some initial issues you may run into.

1. The “what on earth is he talking about?” question.

The Data Scientist speaks multiple languages. Machine Learning. Twitter. Python. R. German. It can get really confusing. Once I’ve gotten myself onto the same page as him, I quickly determine how much energy I should invest in understanding what he’s saying because showing any sign of interest can open another Pandora’s Box.

1. The “What does he do?” question.

No one will understand. Doesn’t matter if he explains it, or I explain it. My typical explanation goes something like this:

“Oh, you know, he does computer stuff.”

The “Oh, cool! Like what?” face.

“He makes algorithms.”

Confused face.

“You know, he does stuff with the data that every website collects about you.”

Now, they’re looking at me like I’m crazy. That means it’s time for the Netflix example. Explaining the Netflix recommendation system usually does the trick. However, that reference is lost on my grandparents. At this point, I usually accept defeat.

“He makes the robots that’ll take over the world.”

Then, they get it.

Source: https://xkcd.com/1262/

After the initial shock has worn off and you’re adjusting to tech’s languages and customs, tech feels a little friendlier. You think tech isn’t that bad. We could hang out sometimes. This is when things get weird. You and tech secretly start meeting without the Data Scientist. When he catches wind of your affair, look forward to some interesting gifts like:

• An external hard drive because backups are important.
• Data Science books because they’ll help me understand what he does.
• A keyboard because he doesn’t like this one.
• An external monitor because he wants me to feel like a tech person.
• Tech-related clothes because he wants me to look like a tech person.
• Cables because he has a closet full of them.

Although these gifts aren’t the sexiest, some of them will surprisingly improve the quality of your life because it’s not all about him. It’s about you too. You may actually become friends with tech. This’ll lead you down some very unexpected paths. For example, you may learn new languages like Python and Javascript. Play video games. Get Twitter. Build a website and start the blog you’ve always wanted to do. Go back to school to become a web developer. Crazy, unimaginable stuff that wouldn’t have been possible a few years ago.

Source: https://xkcd.com/353/

TL;DR

Perhaps, opening Pandora’s Box wasn’t such a fatal mistake after all because dating a Data Scientist and becoming friends with tech has changed my life. Luckily, Pandora’s Tech Box didn’t release any evils into the world (yet), but it did present some challenges. It’s forced me to confront my resistance to tech. It’s forced me to open up to tech’s ideas, customs, languages. But most importantly, it’s brought hope into my life. If I can befriend tech, anyone can befriend tech.

So, don’t be afraid to swipe right on a Data Scientist. Don’t be afraid to learn a new culture. Don’t be afraid to fall in love with tech because there’s hope for you to overcome its initial barriers. There’s hope for you to fully integrate tech into your life, so you’re not always the third wheel. And there’s hope that tech and I and the Data Scientist live happily, everafter.

Source: https://xkcd.com/150/

I originally wrote this article for Women in Coding & Data Science’s WiCDS Data Science Blogathon on Medium. I was one of the winners! I won my favorite tech gift yet.

Never Eat Soggy Waffles

This classic mnemonic I learned as a kid has always helped me remember my cardinal directions. But, this year I learned a new way to think about the directions that totally reoriented my life.

Because 2020’s been a brutal year emotionally, physically, and mentally, I joined Sarah Jenks’ Whole Woman program. One of the first lessons explained her concept of a “whole” woman. Basically, it goes like this:

• North represents the element Earth, which is your body
• East represents the element Air, which is your work
• South represents the element Fire, which is your sensuality/passion
• West represents the element Water, which is your relationships

The bonus direction is Center, which is your spirituality. In order to be a “whole” woman, it’s recommended to have all directions present in your life. (FYI this concept can apply to everyone and anyone.)

Visualizing a compass finally helped me understand what my mother has always told me to do: “go have some fun”. As a very pragmatic person, fun is usually the first thing to be dropped off of my to-do list. First comes work. Then, body. Then, relationships. Then, fun. But, as of late, fun’s been pretty nonexistent.

Essentially, I’d forgotten how delicious maple syrup was, and in the forgetting I lost my Soggy. So, the search began.

My first stumbling block was this quote “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” I’ve had a lot of jobs over the years. They’ve been my greatest teachers of what I don’t want to do like clean toilets. Based on those experiences, making your passion your job is the goal. But, if I’m not there yet, I don’t have to lump my passion and my job together. They can be two separate aspects of my life.

That wonderful revelation led me to my second stumbling block. I need a hobby. What is something that I can do for fun?

Drinking! In the past, partying was how I’d relax and let go. That of course was super fun. Until it wasn’t. Mainly because I’ve never been a good drinker. Let’s just say Drunk Liza is very unpredictable. She can be really fun or really shitty. With Drunk Liza causing more not fun than fun, drinking’s out.

Netflix! Don’t get me wrong. I love me some Netflix, but binge watching Netflix isn’t something I’m passionate about. It’s more my coping mechanism to numb out after a long day of working 2 jobs. Because I’m trying to break this habit and actually feel my feelings, Netflix’s out.

Exercise! I love yoga or cross country skiing or running or hiking. Yes, that could be my hobby, but those activities really belong in the body or spirituality aspect of my life. Exercise’s out.

Finding my hobby wasn’t as easy as I thought. Then, I met with Jennifer Racioppi for a natal chart reading. She asked me “what did you do for fun as a child?”

As a kid, I did lots of arts and crafts. I liked sketching and painting. Does that sound fun? Eh. I played the flute. What about a musical instrument? Nah. For weeks, my brain pondered the different activities I did as a child. But, nothing sparked any excitement.

During a holiday, virtual chat with some high school friends, I felt super jealous of one of them. She’s always been really crafty and artistic, and she showed us some of her current projects. She found her Soggy! Actually, she never lost her Soggy. This sent me into a spiral.

When did I lose this part of me? I used to be just as crafty, creative, and artistic as her. I did all kinds of art projects like making jewelry. Why did I let the flame go out? What’s wrong with me?

Then, it hit me. I figured out my passion project. Quilting!

As I’m finally emerging from the shadow, I’ve relit the flame. I found my Soggy! I had no idea how unbalanced I was until I reflected on the four cardinal directions in my life. Now that I’ve found a hobby, I want to tend the flame rather than let it burn out again. So, for 2021, I’m working on reordering my to-do list because I want to eat waffles with a heavy dose of syrup.

What are some of your passion projects? How do you prevent them from being cut off of your to-do list? I’d love to hear.